Every time I tell someone that I’m headed to a meditation retreat they say something like, “oh, that sounds relaxing” or “won’t it be nice to get away for a while.” Sometimes I try to explain what’s it’s really like, but it’s hard to explain. We’re not going on vacation or staying at a spa. It’s grueling and hard. Basically, we pay good money to get our asses kicked.

Don’t get me wrong, like I said, I’m really looking forward to this retreat. It’s a wonderful opportunity to focus our attention on our meditation practice and deepen our understanding of the teachings we’ve learned. But the schedule is hard and taxing on the body. At the intensive retreats, we meditate for 2 hours 3 times a day starting at 5:30 a.m. and ending around 9:00 p.m. At this retreat we’ll meditate around an hour and a half 3 times a day starting at 6:00 a.m. and ending around 8:30 p.m. or so. In between meditations we listen to discourses on various topics, do seva (translated as “selfless service”), eat, and rest.

The other ass-kicking part of the retreat is the inner turmoil that generally arises. The mind and ego seem to rebel against my efforts to quiet them. This shows up in various ways and can be really exhausting. The mind can go off on tangents about something and the ego sometimes throws little (or big) tantrums. Trying to work through the things that come up, let go, and surrender it all tends to wear me down. My meditation teacher has likened it to washing a dirty towel. The water gets really dirty in the process, but over time we are cleaning and purifying.

One interesting thing that comes up for me before each retreat is the question of “have I made any progress since last year?” It’s a good opportunity to reflect on the past year and think about what has changed and what hasn’t in both my inner and outer world. Am I still working on the same things I was last year? Do I still react in the same ways I used to? Am I still struggling with the same external triggers? Through this process of self-reflection, I can learn a lot about areas that I still need to work on and things I can let go of.

I encourage you to take the time to reflect on how you’ve changed (and how you haven’t) in the last year. Celebrate the wins. Let go of the old. Keep working on the things you want to change. Feel free to email me for some encouragement or call me and I’ll celebrate with you!

No failure is a failure unless we stop trying altogether. ~ Paramahamsa Hariharananda

Leo Cullum, The New Yorker, February 23, 1998

For me, growing up in a small town in Iowa, everyone pretty much followed the same road. Graduate from high school, go away to college, major in something benign and traditional like accounting or business, move back to the hometown or at least within an hour or two, get married, have a family, pass it on. This is a totally respectable road. But it’s not for everyone.

Maybe you were born in a family of doctors and are expected to follow the same path. Maybe you’re part of a family without any college graduates and you’re expected not to want to go to college. Maybe you’re part of a group of friends that expect you to stay out late partying on the weekends. Maybe the corporate structure you work in expects you to keep your mouth shut and not have any of your own ideas. The world around us is full of expectations. Which ones have you allowed yourself to believe and incorporated to your inner world?

I’ve teetered between rebelling against expectations by doing the exact opposite and trying to fulfill them because I wasn’t sure what else to do. What I’ve found, with myself and my clients, is that until we figure out what we really want for ourselves and our lives, we can’t begin to be truly happy. Figuring out what you really want requires some serious soul searching and self inquiry. I know that not everyone is interested in or up to the task of digging in and getting their hands dirty. That’s cool.

If you are up to the life-altering task of self inquiry and you really want to be happy and content, take a hard look at your life (both inner and outer) and notice the things that seem “off.” Look at the things that make you feel like you have to try really hard and leave you feeling drained. Ask yourself if these things are present in yourself/your life because you really want them there. Or are they surrounded by words like “should” and “supposed to”?

 “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”

What would it take to let these things go? What fears pop up when you allow yourself to think of a life without them? You don’t have to figure anything out right now. Just ask the questions and see what comes up. Feel free to email me if you want some feedback and support.

This really resonated with me. Most of my life (up until a few years ago) I teetered back and forth between doing what I thought I was supposed to and rebelling against it. What I finally realized, though, is that I don’t have to do either. I can just be me.

Since that realization, the challenge has been trying to weed through what IS me and what is NOT me. Each of us has a lot of learned ideas about who we are that we picked up from friends, family, society, and our own experiences. These ideas govern the way we live our everyday lives and influence every decision we make for ourselves. Who we think we are determines where we live, what we do for a living, who are friends are, how we entertain ourselves, how we dress, basically everything.

How we define or see ourselves changes over time as we grow up, out, older, wiser, etc. But I can pretty much guarantee that many of the things you think about yourself aren’t true at any time in your life.

I challenge you to take a hard look at the life you’ve created for yourself, particularly the bits you’re not too fond of, and ask yourself why it is the way it is. Did you choose that job because it was the sensible, responsible, normal thing to do? Do you wear those clothes because you want to appear younger, smarter, hipper? Do you go out drinking with your buddies because that’s just what people do? I know I did these things and more. Maybe you’ve got some examples too?

It’s up to you what you do with what you learn about yourself. I find that giving up something I know I’m not can open up a lot of energy and space that was otherwise being wasted. If you’re having a hard time figuring out what’s you and what’s not, give me a call. I can help (gently) drag it out of you.

I did cut my hair really short and definitely went through some inner turmoil at having felt like I’d lost part of my identity. In terms of how I felt about it, I might have well as shaved my head.

The day I got my hair cut, I felt excited, like I was on the precipice of some great shift. I felt brave and empowered and like I’d really accomplished something.

The next day, however, I felt true loss. I didn’t recognize myself at all in the mirror, and it was very unsettling. I was beside myself with this strange feeling that I lost part of myself. And in a sense, I did. I had severed ties with a part of who I thought I was. And it stung. Yes, I know, this is what I asked for. And it IS truly what I want. But no one ever said it was easy or pretty. And I certainly didn’t feel pretty. It wasn’t a bad haircut. I just felt ugly because I felt like I didn’t look right somehow. No matter how many times my husband said he liked it or my family ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the pictures I sent them, my hair didn’t look “right”.

Maybe you’re thinking, “It’s just hair!” and you’d be right to a certain extent. I tried telling myself that many times throughout this process. But it was more than that. I’d cut my hair this short before and felt sexy, fresh, and trendy. This time was different though because I’m different and my motivation was different. This time I was trying to let go of a way I’d been identifying myself, not look more hip.

Or maybe you’re thinking, “Wow, she’s so vain!” and I’ll admit that I’m concerned to a certain extent about my appearance (vanity). But I’m admittedly more concerned about how I appear to others (personal identity) than I’d like to be. I’m working on this. The journey inward to the place where I am no longer influenced by the world around me and am able to “just be” is a long and complex process. I’m learning how to be more patient with the process and not just want to be instantly enlightened.

Sometimes things feel like they have to be “all or nothing” for me. Like wanting to shave my head. Or throwing away the tempting food. Or uninstalling the distracting time-suck app on my phone. Is this a sign of weakness that I need to overcome? Sometimes yes, it probably is, because moderation is key, right? But sometimes it feels like a way of helping myself through something that feels bigger than me. This time, though, I chose moderation. And the effect was exactly the challenge I wanted it to be.

Just because I’m sure you’re dying to see the haircut…here it is. Enjoy!

He said it should be something more like a rhinoceros or an elephant or a doodle that I draw.  He said I’m not a flower. I took a deep breath, swallowed my pride, and tried to really understand what he meant. He’s right. I’m not a flower. I am more like a rhino. But how? And why? And what does that mean?

Then I was listening to a Suzanne Evans video and she asked a question about “What’s the sign that you would take to the rally?” or something like that. And I started to really think about what’s important to me. And I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding that.  What came up with for my sign was “Stop Whining and Make a Change!” (He’s right…I’m no flower.)

My adult life has been spent taking a hard look at my life and letting go of things that aren’t me. This is an ongoing process that takes a lot of courage and determination. I firmly believe that it’s the only way to be truly happy, though. Otherwise, we’re just pretending. This is why I do what I do. I’ve been through this and continue to go through this process. I love helping people dig in, get messy, and make it through to the other side.

I help people to really look at why they are unhappy about something and then do something about it. Either make a change or let it go. I help people get to the bottom of the raw truth of things and find ways to address it. People who work with me have to be ready to change. They have to be really ready to take responsibility for themselves and their lives and the state that they’re in. They have to be willing to get their hands dirty.

I don’t tell people what to do. They have to figure that out inside. But I help them see the truth and develop a plan to make things different. I help them as they implement the plan through love, encouragement, a sounding board, a safe place to talk things through, accountability, tools, support, etc. This isn’t flowery business. This is hard, life-altering, status quo threatening, messy stuff.

Part of me still wishes I was a flower, but I want to embrace this truth about myself and let go of who I think I should be. I have no idea what that does for my website design…

One of the things in the “valid reasons” list would have to be the fact that we bought a house last summer. It’s been a long process of getting things set up and figured out. It’s our first home, so it felt a little more substantial than just moving to a new apartment or something. I’ve been a “traveler” since college so this is all very new for me mentally. It’s been wonderful and challenging and disorienting and grounding. Most of all it’s been a growth opportunity.

The last few months, however, would mostly include “just excuses” for why I haven’t been blogging. Something has been stirring within and has just begun to start bubbling to the surface. Stay tuned for more.

When you ask for feedback on something and the person starts with “Can I be totally honest?” you know it’s not going to be good. You know that your ego will receive nothing less than a big fat bruise and possibly much more. What follows after that, despite how accurate or necessary to hear, already stinks a little more of condescending insult than loving feedback. But regardless of the delivery of the feedback, there is a huge opportunity to learn about yourself and apply that to whatever you do. Remember, dis-ease is our greatest tool for positive change.

It’s important to remember a few things when receiving feedback:

Be Loving: Check your emotions and do your best not to react. This includes getting upset with the person providing feedback AND feeling bad about yourself. Watch what comes up inside of you and respond lovingly.

Be Strong: Don’t throw in the towel because somebody’s not a fan. If you’ve been working hard on something and have asked for feedback on it, it’s important to remember this. Carefully consider their feedback and keep moving forward.

Be Open: All types of feedback offer opportunities for growth, greater clarity, and helpful self-analysis. Do your best to look for ways to change for the better, even if it’s not in the way they said you should.

Be Grateful: Regardless of the delivery of the feedback, the person giving it most likely really wants to help. Try your best to be grateful for them taking the time and effort to consider it, irrespective of whether or not it was actually helpful.

When providing someone else with feedback, do your best to be:

• Loving
• Kind
• Compassionately Detached
• Honest

The Wild Animal Sanctuary rescues captive exotic and endangered large carnivores who have been abused, abandoned, exploited or illegally kept. They provide the rescued animals a permanent home at their facility which consists of over 320 acres of rolling grasslands outside Keenesburg. 

This beautiful place is now home to rescued bears, tigers, wolves, lions, cheetahs, leopards, coyotes, mountain lions, and many more.

We have built multiple species-specific habitats ranging from 5-acres to 25-acres, and have three tiger habitats, three wolf habitats, two black bear habitats, a grizzly bear habitat and an African lion habitat.  Other animals dwell in very large enclosures during the transition process to build groups who will ultimately have habitats built for them.  These roomy, comfortable environments offer our rescued animals unprecedented freedom and more natural living spaces.  All habitats have underground dens built out of concrete in order to supply temperature controlled housing – or hibernation dens – year round, as the temperature underground stays around 60 degrees all year long. 

They have created a unique system of elevated walkways and observation platforms which allow people to view the rescued animals enjoying their new life in large acreage habitats.  You can take a Vitural Tour on their website.

Needless to say, it was a deeply moving experience and we have since become supporters. We just received their latest newsletter and got to read about their recent Bolivian Lion Rescue in February 2011. It brought me to tears instantly.

The newsletter showed pictures of the 25 lions rescued with the help of Animal Defenders International (ADI) from horrendous conditions at various circuses in Bolvia.  But they’re not pictures of their horrible past, they are pictures of the lions in their new beautiful home here in Colorado. What brought me to tears was the look of relief, exhaustion, curiosity, and joy in their faces. 

I’m so grateful that they have a new home at The Wild Animal Sanctuary. They’re getting to roam on 80 acres, touch grass for the first time, get much needed dental surgery, build up muscle and much needed weight, chase tumbleweed, play, and most importantly…feel loved.

There is a wonderful online journal that details their transformation after their arrival in February. It has wonderful, intimate details of how they interact and blossom and heal after their long journey. It brought happy tears to my eyes again. It’s definitely worth a read!

For more great pictures, check out their awesome slideshow!

If you’d like to adopt a lion, click here.

SEWING CADDY

This first project was one that I’ve been wanting to work on for a long time now. I’m so very excited that it’s completed! I was in need of a sewing caddy but had very specific requirements so I decided to design my own.  It turned out great and everything is right where I need it and can find it. I love it!  On the top right is a coaster for my tea cup. I never had a good place for it before, but now it has a safe home.  There’s sand in the top to keep it in place.  I didn’t want it hanging in front of my machine like many of them do.

RECIPE CARD CADDY

This next project goes with a gift I made for my sister. It’s a recipe card caddy. If you remember, the I made her the turquoise one for Christmas.  She asked for another one for her birthday, it’s the pink and brown one.

“JOY” WALLHANGING

This last project was a birthday present for my mom. There’s not much to say about it really. I kind of made it up as I went along and had a lot of fun making it.  There’s a close up of the hummingbird. I did reverse applique on the letters.